Every artist is a cannibal

Every poet is a thief
All kill their inspiration
And sing about the grief --Bono, The Fly


Just a quick note to say that I feel much better this week. I went up to see the neurotologist in Portland last week, and I think he had cheerful news. He said that he felt that my vertigo is NOT, repeat NOT being caused by my MS. He thinks that allergies are the most likely culprit.

And so I have a new gameplan! Allergy shots, a different benzodiazepine (I'll switch from clonazepam to valium or xanax), and perhaps some diamox to relieve the pressure in my ear.

I'm still dizzy, but I'm cheerful. I feel so optimistic. Allergies! It could all be about allergies. Everyone has allergies. Your mother doesn't cry when you tell her you have allergies. People don't take a step back and go silent when you tell them you have allergies. HA!

Eric & Todd are taking a swimming class together. They just got home. Bayley is working on her homework on her new desk. She & Todd went skiing on Saturday, I hear it was a beautiful day with fresh powder...

I haven't been to the gym since November but I'll start working out again tomorrow, methinks. : ) I'll still be on the Rebif, still have a numb left hand & right shin etc, but what the heck. If I get too tired, I'll stop.

Another 44 mcg shot survived.

I took it on Sunday morning and tolerated it much better than the Friday night dose. I *think* I did much better this time because I found some Vioxx and took 1/2 a pill right before I injected myself.

When it comes to controlling pain and inflammation, Vioxx rules. It runs circles around Tylenol and Celebrex. Too bad they don't make Vioxx anymore, though... I have 2 1/2 left. I'll be rationing them very carefully.

I went to Costco with my friend J yesterday.

I'm still just dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Every second of every day.

I hope the otoneurologist can help me. I see him on January 25th. He's up in Portland, so it'll be kind of a big journey. I'll have to have several tests done up there, even though I've already had them done here: an MRI, a hearing exam, and a VNG. The VNG in particular is really, really horrible. But if this doctor can help me, I'll do it again. I'll even wash his car.

I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. I wonder if I'll ever get a break. I think about who I was a year ago... we were going to Hawaii, we were excited, I felt great. We spent Todd's birthday together at a restaurant on a beach on Maui. Life was neat.

It all seemed like it happened so long ago, and to somebody else.

The days pass and I lose hope.

I took the big 44-mcg Rebif shot last night.

I thought if I took it at night that I'd be able to sleep through the side effects.

It didn't work.

I tossed and turned. Right now I'm practically falling over, I'm so tired. I almost started crying downstairs just a few minutes ago for virtually no reason whatsoever other than I'm so, so, so, so tired. I'm tired, in spite of the fact that I'm on Adderall, which is a respectably strong amphetamine used to fight fatigue.

I'm really getting slapped around right now.

I took Bayley to school at 7:45. I took Eric to school at 9:30. I'll go pick them up @ 3:00 & 3:30, respectively. My sister-in-law is downstairs playing with my niece E, who is as cute as a bug's ear. Here's a picture of her. My dog, Bella, is in the background:














I am going to bed.

Not that I'll be able to sleep. I'll just whimper for a few hours.

It's a beautiful day.

It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
----Michael Jackson, "Wanna Be Startin' Something"

Injection sites look like welts now.

The 8-mcg Rebif doses didn't seem to cause any injection-site reactions, but I've noticed that the 22-mcg sites are leaving red/bruised welts the size of quarters. Not very attractive.

Eric went to daycare today for the first time. He enjoyed it. Such a relief.

Boy, they have to be so careful with Eric's skin though-- they have agreed not to use any soap to wash his hands. He's having a pretty bad flare of his eczema right now; his left thumb and wrist are nearly bleeding. Plus, an area on the back of his thighs is just out of control. This is odd because up until about 10 days ago his skin had been looking great! I suspect one of my new nanny helpers is using regular soap on his laundry or not rinsing it properly. His clothes, blankets, towels and bedclothes all have to be washed with the hottest possible water, with Dreft, and then double-rinsed. NO fabric softener, either. I think someone has been cutting corners and not double-rinsing... It's time for a review of Eric's Laundry Procedures with my staff. : )

So, what did I do with my free time when Eric was in daycare and Bayley was at school? I cleaned Bayley's room. I worked that room for 6 hours straight, no lunch, and still didn't finish the job. I probably took out 5 bags of trash. She's a hoarder.

I thought she'd come home and get mad at me the way she usually does when I clean her room... I haven't cleaned it for over a year for that very reason. But she looked around and said, "Thanks, Mommie!" and gave me a hug. Lovely!

Tomorrow my sister-in-law and her daughter arrive for a visit. D has been married to my brother Jason for nearly 4 years... amazing that someone would be married to one of my brothers for that long! heh, kidding there...maybe. ; ) Jason & D have a little girl, E, and she just turned 1. I'm really looking forward to their visit; I haven't actually ever seen little E in person! And she's my very own niece! I'm excited. They're staying for 10 days. I hope they don't go nuts from boredom.

What else is going on: I double my Rebif dose in 39 hours.

I. am. nervous. This is going to be rough, folks, this is the worst part, hang on. I wish I didn't have to do this, I wish I didn't have to do this, I wish I didn't have to do this, but I have to, and I have to pay $1,495 every FOUR WEEKS for it.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
-----Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring

Tolkien helps me through some tough days.

My vertigo is still pretty bad. But as of yesterday, I've gotten much of the sensation back in my left hand. : ) *That's* exciting.

The kids are back in school tomorrow.

Hooray! ; )

I swear, Christmas break just goes on and on and on...!

In the morning that all ends. Bayley will be picked up @ 7:45 by L, my carpool buddy, and taken to school. At 8:30 I'll take Eric to preschool. Preschool is clear across town, but he loves it. By about 9:20 I'll be back home, and I'll have the house allllll to myself... ahhh... I'll have one hour and 50 minutes of peace. One hour and 50 minutes of solitude. One hour and fifty minutes to think. No one will be around to whine. No one will be around to make a mess in the kitchen--the mess is always in the kitchen, and part of it always sticks to the floor.

No one will be home but me. And that's great. Having the house to myself is better sometimes than a pedicure or a massage--because IF you leave your family in the house to go get the pedicure or massage, you can be guaran-damn-teed that by the time you get back your kitchen will need an hour of rehab , every single toy will be on the floor, someone's diaper will smell bad and someone else will be hungry. And they'll know exactly how long you've been away. Break's over! Back to work!

Ahhh... anyway. Back to my plan for the morning. At 9:30 I'll give myself a shot. Tomorrow, at least, Eric won't be screaming outside of the bathroom door while I do this; screaming is what often happens when he's around (Why is Mommy going into the bathroom by herself? Why is she locking the door? Why can't I come in?), even if I'm only in there for 2 minutes.

That's motherhood, though. If you aren't available 100% of the time you risk wrath.

For one hour and 50 minutes if I want to take a shower, I can. If I want to curl up on the bed with a heating pad, I can. If I want to browse the internet for furniture I can't afford, I can. As long as Eric doesn't bite anyone, I can do whatever I want, for one hour and 50 minutes. No one will be around to watch me or judge me. I will feel no pressure.

Then at 11:10 I'll get back in the car, drive across town and pick Eric up from preschool. I should be home by 11:50.

It's not a lot. But it's what I've got. I cherish it.