I never said I was a little ray of sunshine.

That last post hurt to write. It took all my energy; the black depression tsunami hits me and I go under.

I still cry my eyes out. I'm alone way, way too much of the time; many of my trusted friends are long gone.

There are a few people I can confide in, but even those relationships--well--I hear the clock ticking.

Okay, ya know, I meant to write something cheerful today and that just ain't happening! So I'm gonna stop. Oh my heck, my kids sure are cute though. That's a happy thought.

I'll have a bowl of granola and watch an episode of Scrubs. Enough of this!

Depressed.

I am useless.
I will never have a happy day again. I will never be completely understood, accepted, and loved--loved madly, completely, ecstatically.
I am disposable.
I want to die.

Welcome to Withdrawal Hell!

Since the Tysabri has apparently kicked most of my headache to the curb--how on earth it did that I don't know, but I'm happy-- I'm doing my absolute best to taper down from all that Dilaudid I've been on.

Withdrawing from this stuff really hurts. From addictionwithdrawal.com:

Withdrawal symptoms from Dilaudid can occur four to five hours after the last dose. Dilaudid withdrawal symptoms usually last 7 to 10 days.

And what are those symptoms? From drugabusehelp.com:

Dilaudid withdrawal symptoms can be severe and include: anxiety, insomnia, profuse sweating, muscle spasms, chills, shivering, restlessness, yawning, disturbed sleep, irritability, anxiety, weakness, twitching and spasms of muscles, restless legs, nausea, anorexia, vomiting, intestinal spasm, diarrhea, repetitive sneezing, hot and cold flashes, severe back, leg and abdominals pains and cramps. Frequently, an increase in body temperature, blood pressure, respiratory and heart rate may be present.

I also hallucinate, usually from 3 am to 7 am every morning. That's the scariest part for me.

In November, I took as much as 32 mg of Dilaudid a day. Since Dilaudid is approximately 8 times more potent on a milligram basis than Morphine, that translates to...256 mg of Morphine a day.

Right now I'm down to 12 mg of Dilaudid. Someone out there give me a medal for this...

What else... my left arm is perfecto. No numbness or tingling anywhere. My vertigo is also not so bad, either.

Me & Hubby in Oahu

We had a lovely dinner on the beach. I think this was January 3rd, 2007.

Our Oahu Vacation

We went to Oahu for Christmas break. Here are a few photos.

Happy Birthday, Jason!

Just putting out a big congrats to my little brother who turns 30 today.

Jason, dude, you are OLD. You probably can't read this without glasses. I'm proud of you and everything--you aren't in prison or rehab. But you should know that just because you are a doctor with a beautiful family, you are OLD. Next up? FAT. You are going to be old and fat.

I love you, Jase.

Let's Update This Thang!

I'm still alive and morbidly depressed here in Oregon. ; )

I kept the Rebif going, never missing an injection, until my new neuro (Dr. Bourdette at OHSU) told me to ease up for a while because the side effects were painful.

So... I stopped the Rebif in July, and then... well... I'd like to say the headache disappeared, but it didn't. If anything, it seemed to get worse. Constant head pain can drive you mad. I tried Topamax, Lyrica, and Cymbalta to nuke the headache; nothing worked. What does work is Dilaudid. I know that's one of those opiates that should hardly ever be used, but it works.

My beloved grandmother passed away unexpectedly in March of 2006. That sent most of our family into a state of bereavement and shock. We depended on her emotionally. She was from Wyoming, and she was so tough, so fiercely loyal, and so smart that I was afraid of her even though she was only 5'2" and 100 pounds! Her passing ripped a big hole in our hearts and lives.

Grandpa, her husband, passed away a few months later--in November of 2006. He was a three-star general in the Air Force, but without his sweetie his health declined. We gathered around again for another goodbye...and a funeral that included fighter jets overhead in formation, and the gun salute.

We are all so fragile and precious. Rest in peace, Grandma and Grandpa.

I'm on Tysabri now for my MS. Yup, I'm on the big T. I had my first infusion almost two days ago. I feel better! I am not quite so fatigued. 'Bout time.

The kids: Eric is 4, and beautiful. And potty trained! Yes! No more diapers, he is a big boy! Bayley is 11 and still my beautiful, kind girl. She's tall...! She started the sixth grade at a private college prep school and is doing very well.

And last but not least, my husband: He deserves much of the credit for keeping us all together and safe this year. He is amazing, my rock, and I have had to rely on him more this year than I ever thought I'd have to for emotional support. When you're contemplating the uselessness of your life, there's nothing quite like having someone to hold you and say, "I love you. Stay with me. I love you."